Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
