FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
