did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
