i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
