so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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