sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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