Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Randomize
