Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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