My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
