Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
