i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
