The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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