Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I pour the whiskey from now on
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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