Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
