So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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