Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
