just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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