are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
How external is "for external use only"?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
