the condom got lost in my hair
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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