I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
