i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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