I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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