The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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