vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
