he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
