sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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