How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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