I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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