she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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