the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
