The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
