Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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