I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
