i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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