I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
