i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
never play flip cup with pint glasses
you win again, gameday.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
