do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
