Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just gargled with NyQuil
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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