so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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