I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
