make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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