My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
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i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
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I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We need to get me chipped asap
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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