highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
