Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
