Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
