seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
there is puke in my bra ... again
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
