I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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