genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
