i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
