which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
