I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
