Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
