she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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