i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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