you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
