Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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