I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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