i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
